This is a post that I wish I did not need to write.
Over the years, in different contexts, I have seen too many friends go missing. One day everything seems normal, and the next day they are gone from the organizations and communities they loved. Almost without a trace.
And the organization or community continues, almost as if my friends never were a part of it. Friends who lived and worked and served with all their hearts, now excised from the community. An almost-surgical cutting takes place, removing their names, their stories, their dreams, their contributions.
It is heartbreaking and gut-wrenching.
In this devastation, someone will ask what happened. Maybe you have asked what happened.
It is at this point that I want to focus light on two of the lies that I see unhealthy ministries use. Maybe you have heard one of these… or both…
"Give them space to process.”
How does this sound?
Caring.
Responsible.
Compassionate.
Leaderlike.
Mature.
It is designed to sound so.
But what is it actually?
Infantilizing.
Silencing.
Isolating.
Suggestive.
Implicating.
In unhealthy ministries, it is often said as almost an edict, often in a fatherly voice.
Without actually saying so, it suggests to you that your friends have done something wrong. But, of course, the actual nature of the situation cannot be shared by the organization. And since you are being told not to talk with your friends, the actual nature of the situation cannot be shared by your friends either.
In unhealthy organizations, often this edict is reinforced by a non-disparagement agreement (NDA).
Your friends are adults. Could they not receive your inquiry and speak for themselves if they indeed want space to process?
Of course they could. And in a healthy community they would.
“It is an issue of alignment.”
This one sounds sophisticated, sterile, professional.
It suggests that something has changed, but no heart content can be heard in it. It implicates your friends, while not actually saying anything.
Maybe the organization has learned of out-of-bounds beliefs that your friends hold.
Maybe your friends simply have a growing focus that no longer fits the vision and mission of the organization.
Remember, though, that the organization will not share the details. And since you have been told that your friends need time to process, you will not hear the details from them either.
Again, in an unhealthy community, these words are silencing, isolating, suggestive, implicating.
And so, in an unhealthy organization, these two lies work together, the first infantilizing, the second making you feel like a trusted insider. And in an unhealthy community, in the middle of this are your friends, isolated, torn up, hurting, alone.
What can you do?
If you find yourself in an unhealthy organization, recognize the pattern. Ask questions.
Reach out to your friends. You love them and they love you. Do not desert them in their time of need.
Hear their story. Speak truth. If your community is healthy, leadership will be willing to listen.
But if leadership abuses your friends, and isolates and silences them, then there is a problem. It does not matter how much good an organization is doing in this case, and the problem will not just go away.
If this is the reality in which you find yourself, talk with your friends, and take the hard but important steps to love your friends and to live your life with the integrity to which you are committed.
It will be a hard journey.
But it is important, and ultimately it will be a good journey.
About: Jenny Switkes is a professor of mathematics at California State Polytechnic University, Pomona, where she has the joy of mentoring many first-generation college students from diverse backgrounds. She also serves as a volunteer pastor at Rise OC Church in Costa Mesa, California.
Photo from FreeImages.com/Lauren Lank.