Throughout our lives we have many seasons. When we look back we see the reasons we felt a certain way, dressed a certain way, dated a certain person or had the friendships that we had. We can also see in hindsight why they ended or why they should end. The author, Santiago Kalwar, is famously quoted for saying “Every beginning has an end and every end is a new beginning”. I’m someone that tends to fight change. To be agreeable. To avoid confrontation. But, there have been times in my life that enough was enough and I had to make a change. The realization is sudden and my action is swift even though it has been ruminating somewhere in me for a long time. Afterwards, I‘m able to see clearly in hindsight on why the decision to finalize something was necessary for my personal growth. I haven’t always wanted growth. Growth is scary. It means I have to put in effort to my emotions, my psyche, my religious life and expectations, and my lifestyle. It means I’ll have to deal with growing pains. Pain, in any form, is something I’ve tried to avoid.
For many years, I was lucky to have a tight friend group. We all came from difficult backgrounds and bonded strongly together due to our similarities. It’s exactly what we needed and it served us for a long time.
Around 10 years ago, we started seeing cracks. We were in the stages of getting married, having children, starting or putting our careers off to stay home with children. Our priorities shifted and those of us who didn’t understand (or were in a different place in our life) felt slighted and let down. These instances turned into resentment which caused arguments and breaks which in earlier days would have been discussed, cried over, made up and hugged out. But we were no longer each other’s sounding board in the same way. We tried. We would argue but not really get over it. But for the sake of the “group” we’d push it down and move forward, resentment growing. Some relationships were more precarious than the others. Some of us (me included) hid when we saw these cracks. We were so afraid of this family breaking up like our own families did growing up.
“I hadn’t wanted to be seen as myself. I wanted to fade into the background.”
Then, as we got older, our perceptions changed mostly due to our personal life experiences. We started seeing such vast differences in who we once were and who we are today. We saw our friends through the eyes of our children and of the child we once were.
Some children are especially aware. My oldest daughter is the oldest soul I know. Nothing gets past her. She has always been sensitive and just so conscious of her surroundings. She was the one to point out to me that what I told her to look for in a friend was the opposite of what I had. To hear that from a young child is eye opening. I was being a hypocrite in her eyes and with someone so matter-of-fact I knew that this would affect how her own friendships would be as she got older.
I still fought it. I just avoided specific friends or just went on my own without my daughter. That worked for a while until a major event made it clear that my ethics were vastly different than one of theirs. It was abrupt and difficult finally crumbling where the cracks had appeared and fracturing all of the relationships involved.
Those were difficult times. But, just like in nature, there is a rainbow after the storm. Removing the mask and costume I wore for all those years allowed me to breathe. It offered me peace in who I was and an ability to create who I wanted to be. I was able to focus on being the type of mother I wanted to become (well, some of the time. Work in progress). Where I was once anxious, I was able to work on myself. Making such a difficult decision and making such a huge change, while sad and terrifying, gave me the courage to make other changes that I had put off. I went to therapy, I regularly went to mass, I made friends with people who want to change the world as much as I do. Who have a passion for humanity. I stopped drinking as much and lost some of the weight I’d been holding onto just as desperately as the friendships. I hadn’t wanted to be seen as myself. I wanted to fade into the background so that I wouldn’t have to make difficult changes or less would be expected of me. I got on the proper medications that I should have been on for years prior. The entanglement of expectation was loosening itself.
I miss my friends and I always will. But I miss them for as we were not where we ended up being. We grew up but didn’t allow our friendship to do the same. That’s ok, it wasn’t right or wrong - it just was. I have and always will continue to pray for them and their families. I want them to be happy and healthy just as much as I want myself to be.
We all hold onto things in our lives. What we don’t realize is that making difficult decisions or removing obstacles — even people we love deeply and cherish the time we had with them -- can open us up to things or people that will sustain us further where we are in life now. I mentioned this in my last post but we have to be cautious in not just following what our hearts tell us. The heart can lead us to what we think is the right direction and for the right reasons but may not be where is safe for us. We have to listen to both our hearts and our head. Our head will balance out the heart’s tugging. We can change the world -- one person at a time.
About: Sosie Matosian resides in Virginia with her husband, three children and two dogs. She has her degree in Biblical Studies from University of Northwestern with additional emphasis and certificate in the Catechesis of the Good Shepherd. She is passionate about sharing life with others and brings a personal perspective to the struggles one might face in their journey.
Photo by Mantas Hesthaven on Unsplash